Oh my!  I've been sick again for the past two days.  My feeling well was short lived, but I am very grateful for the brake that it gave me from being/feeling sick.  It's hard at these times to stay up and to keep going, but I guess I was born with a fighting spirit, that keeps fighting, and doesn't give up.  I know that tomorrow will be a new day, and a chance to feel well again.  That alone is something to look forward to.  

Mon, 8-27-2012, 3:00 AM

Oh my gosh!  Yesterday I signed up for Netflix, because I was tiered of Hulu.  I have just finished watching three movies:  Emma, Crazy of Christmas, and Noel.  They are excellent movies.  They were heart warming, and made me feel good inside, except for the tears that came while watching them and made me want to be a better person and to want to reach out to others.  (Tears always make my eyes and head hurt, and to feel yucky for a short time.)

Today I think I'm coming down from the high I have been on the past few days from having the opportunity to feel well in every aspect.  Someone told me, "What come up, must come down."  I agreed with him, cause that's just the way it is.  Coming down isn't all bad, and I am okay with it.  I had another wonderful day.  In which I am very grateful.

A few weeks ago I did something not very nice and I still can't believe that I did it.  I guess I felt like the devil, which was my anger coming out of me.  I feel the end results was worth it though.

I was looking at my son, Joe's Facebook page and noticed that my X's wife put that she was Joe's mother.  I went ballistic inside.  I wonder how she had the guts to do that.  So I went to her Website and sent a message to her, stating that she was not his mother, and that she had never even acted like a step mother, and that she was the one that denied him and his brothers from having a relationship with their father.  Last week I looked to she if she had changed it, she had not.  I was still angry, and sent her another message, thanking her for her respect.

Last night I was checking my email, and had a reply from her.  She told me that she owed my boys an apology for that, and explained why she was that way, which was that she had just found out that her daughter's father had sexually abused her, and that because of it she was in a dark place, and didn't trust any man or boy.  She wishes that there was away she could correct her wrong and make things right with them so they can begin to have a relationship with their father. She wrote me, so I could let them know, and she wanted to know if I had any ideas of how to do it.

I feel this took a lot of courage on her part to first admit what she had done, and then apologize for it, even though it was through me.  In my reply I told her that I truly understood, because I am a survivor of sexual, emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual abuse, but at the same time by being over protective and not allowing my children to have a relationship with there father,  that it has caused the same kind of abuse, except the sexual abuse, to be put on my children, and because of it my boys have really suffered and still now have anger management challenges, and has altered their life's as it did mine.

I told her that I forgave her, and that I have forgiven my X for all the wrong he did towards us when we were married, and that what has been done, has been done, and that we can't go back.  It is my prayer that somehow our Father in Heaven will soften the hearts of my son's to the point of getting together with my X and his wife, so they express their anger towards them, and to hear both of their apologies for themselves.  This is really a long shot.  Hearing an admittance to this and an apology has helped heal a little bit of the scar that it created inside myself.  I love my boys, and I feel so sick and I hurt because of their pain, and I have had to witness the effects of not having their father in their life.  By the time my father wanted a relationship with me, it was too late, and I wanted him to hurt as bad as I had throughout my life.  I did talk to him and we made our peace on his dying bedside.  How the anger destroys us.  I'm tiered of it, and I am making every effort to express my feelings and to forgive those that have wronged me in anyway.  I'm doing this so that I my be set free inside of me.

It was nice that I could tell her my feelings that have been pinned up for years, and a small of amount of weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I am grateful!

This experience reminds me of an experience I had many years ago.   I had the opportunity to face one of my sexual abusers that molested me when I was about 8-9 years old.  He was the father of my friends that I play with at that time.  I was in the Post Office when I seen him.  His health was very bad.  In my mind I thought, "Good, he's getting what he deserves."  Which now I see as a not so good thought, that I should have been more compassionate for him.  Anyway, I went up to him asked him why he did it to me.  He denied that he did it at first, then he admitted to the crime.  He said that his family was on vacation, which I knew, that he was lonely, that he had a drinking problem at that time, and that he was mixed up.  I took the opportunity and told him how it had messed me up mentally and emotionally.  I said many more things, but I don't want to share it.  It felt so good telling him how I felt.  I was finally able to let it go and to forgive him.  I know that he will have to answer to God for this act someday.

All my life I have always kept my feelings inside me.  It was drilled into me at a very young age that I was to be seen and not heard, and if I did say anything I would be smacked for it. Because of this it hurt a lot of relationships that I have had, especially my husband.   But through years of therapy, I have learned that I do have a voice, that is good to express what I feel, and that it's important for my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health. I have learned to express what I feel to others, and I'm not afraid or ashamed of it. I hope and pray for those that have  a hard time expressing their feelings, that they may learn how to express it, so that they can feel the freedom that comes from doing so.

Well, I need to get up and do something in the house, I've been in bed most of my day, watching movies, and I want to feel like I have accomplished something regardless of how big or small.

I hope and pray that God will bless each of you with the things you stand in need of, and that you will find peace and contentment in your hearts, especially if you haven't ever experienced it.  It has only been a couple of years since I got to experience, and it feels wonderful and it makes a difference in my life.

 August 24, 2012, 3:00 AM

I have my days and nights mixed up lately.  Larry and I was trying to correct it, but I decided that I would just go with it.  So far it has worked out really well.  I turn my phone off during my sleeping hours, and then turn it back on when I'm awake.  I have been able to accomplish more things in my home this way, and I'm not so tiered.

I talked to Mike last week.  He called to find out if I knew any carpenters.  He needs to install a bedroom wall and door, which will give him five bedrooms, and he doesn't know where to begin.  He also has some plumbing to fix.  I gave him two names, Del and Modesto, my brother-in-laws.  I was surprised he didn't remember.

I am so proud of him!  he bought his home when he was 20 years old.  He has had to rent out all four bedrooms for a real long time, but now he can manage the mortgage own his own.  With that, he only has one renter, and she'll be moving soon, and he wants to fix the place up so it looks nice.

He has a new girl friend, that has two children.  He's loving having the children around.  He likes playing the father roll I think.  It is a lot different for him.  He has only worked grave yard shifts, eats, sleeps, plays computer games for years.  But now he is starting to get a life, which I have prayed for for a long time.  I am just thrilled.

Bryan bought me some ice cream and coke a couple of weekends ago.  I was having a sugar fit, and didn't have any money.  I really appreciated him getting this for me.

He and his wife, Tiffany are doing well.  They have such a neat relationship.  You can see and feel how much love they have for one another.  Their pasts runs parallel to each other, which gives them a lot of understanding, and similar experience to relate to.  They love to shoot their guns.  They do a lot with her family, and they take trips every once in awhile.  This summer they went to Disney Land.  Tiff really likes it there.

Well, I'm going to finish playing SimSocial Game, which I have been extremely addicted to.  It has become my world in which I live in. It distracts me from the physical pain that I have been enduring.  It has been a way that I can spend all the  money I want, which helps with my compulsive spending challenge, which I have curbed.  It has been fun  spending the pretend money.  I love buying the clothes and the furniture.  Most of all I love the decorating.  When I'm done with that, I am going to go work in the spare bedroom getting rid of more stuff.  When I was in there earlier, I could tell I was making progress.

August 23, 2012, 9:57 PM

I finally got out of bed.  I went to the pool.  I enjoyed every moment.  The water was luck warm, just like in the tub.  I had the pool to myself most of the time.  It felt so good to just relax, and to not feel the weight of my body, cause it's very heavy to carry around all the time.  After I got out of the pool, I relaxed and finished crocheting a doll hat that I have been working on.

I called my sister, Elaine and made arrangements to put some of my things back into her rabbit house (it's not really a rabbit house, but just a storage room.  100 years ago it did house rabbits I think, hence the name).

I need to get rid of 1/2 of my belongings.  I'm going to go from a 2 bedroom, to a 1 bed.  I've been working slowly in my spare bedroom by going through everything once again.  I do this every time I move.  I was able to give Jason and his sister's (my neighborhood friends I've been teaching to crochet and to loom knit) a tall garbage bag of yarn, which allowed me to consolidate container, which lead to getting rid of two totes.  I am going to send all of the material and sewing supplies that the Humanitarian Center gave me while I was on my Mission there back to them.  I don't have any desire to sew right now, especially in the quantity that I have been doing in the past.  If I do sew I want to go back to piecing quilt tops, and finishing unfinished projects.  I have 12 more doll outfits to crochet, that is if I don't get anymore orders, and then I can start doing that.

I'm tiered of not having any money left over after bills are paid.  This makes it so that I'm not able to go or do anything for recreation.  It's been like this for years, and I'm finally ready to get a life.

My mental health is the best it has ever been, and all of the Post Trauma Syndrome stuff is over with, the physical pain is gone, I only deal with my fibromyalgia when the weather is bad, or when there is low pressure, which I am so grateful for, and I think my sever constipation challenge is at it's tail end. 

This week my energy has started to come back.  It is so wonderful.  Being bedridden for so many years has been less than fun, but I think I dealt with it really well.  I taught myself to crochet, and just love it, and I did tons of genealogy to keep me busy.  When I had individuals come in to bring meals and to do housework, I would crochet them a dishcloth  in return.  They were taken back from this act.  It made me feel good and it was a way that I could give back.

I called Joe to see if he wanted some of the things I am going to get rid of.  Vocational Rehab has qualified him for their program again, and has an appointment with them tomorrow.  They will help him find a job and with other issues he has.  He quit his job a few months ago at the nursing home.  I can't blame him at all.  I had to live at that nursing home for three months, and it wasn't a good experience.