Mon, 8-27-2012, 3:00 AM

Oh my gosh!  Yesterday I signed up for Netflix, because I was tiered of Hulu.  I have just finished watching three movies:  Emma, Crazy of Christmas, and Noel.  They are excellent movies.  They were heart warming, and made me feel good inside, except for the tears that came while watching them and made me want to be a better person and to want to reach out to others.  (Tears always make my eyes and head hurt, and to feel yucky for a short time.)

Today I think I'm coming down from the high I have been on the past few days from having the opportunity to feel well in every aspect.  Someone told me, "What come up, must come down."  I agreed with him, cause that's just the way it is.  Coming down isn't all bad, and I am okay with it.  I had another wonderful day.  In which I am very grateful.

A few weeks ago I did something not very nice and I still can't believe that I did it.  I guess I felt like the devil, which was my anger coming out of me.  I feel the end results was worth it though.

I was looking at my son, Joe's Facebook page and noticed that my X's wife put that she was Joe's mother.  I went ballistic inside.  I wonder how she had the guts to do that.  So I went to her Website and sent a message to her, stating that she was not his mother, and that she had never even acted like a step mother, and that she was the one that denied him and his brothers from having a relationship with their father.  Last week I looked to she if she had changed it, she had not.  I was still angry, and sent her another message, thanking her for her respect.

Last night I was checking my email, and had a reply from her.  She told me that she owed my boys an apology for that, and explained why she was that way, which was that she had just found out that her daughter's father had sexually abused her, and that because of it she was in a dark place, and didn't trust any man or boy.  She wishes that there was away she could correct her wrong and make things right with them so they can begin to have a relationship with their father. She wrote me, so I could let them know, and she wanted to know if I had any ideas of how to do it.

I feel this took a lot of courage on her part to first admit what she had done, and then apologize for it, even though it was through me.  In my reply I told her that I truly understood, because I am a survivor of sexual, emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual abuse, but at the same time by being over protective and not allowing my children to have a relationship with there father,  that it has caused the same kind of abuse, except the sexual abuse, to be put on my children, and because of it my boys have really suffered and still now have anger management challenges, and has altered their life's as it did mine.

I told her that I forgave her, and that I have forgiven my X for all the wrong he did towards us when we were married, and that what has been done, has been done, and that we can't go back.  It is my prayer that somehow our Father in Heaven will soften the hearts of my son's to the point of getting together with my X and his wife, so they express their anger towards them, and to hear both of their apologies for themselves.  This is really a long shot.  Hearing an admittance to this and an apology has helped heal a little bit of the scar that it created inside myself.  I love my boys, and I feel so sick and I hurt because of their pain, and I have had to witness the effects of not having their father in their life.  By the time my father wanted a relationship with me, it was too late, and I wanted him to hurt as bad as I had throughout my life.  I did talk to him and we made our peace on his dying bedside.  How the anger destroys us.  I'm tiered of it, and I am making every effort to express my feelings and to forgive those that have wronged me in anyway.  I'm doing this so that I my be set free inside of me.

It was nice that I could tell her my feelings that have been pinned up for years, and a small of amount of weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I am grateful!

This experience reminds me of an experience I had many years ago.   I had the opportunity to face one of my sexual abusers that molested me when I was about 8-9 years old.  He was the father of my friends that I play with at that time.  I was in the Post Office when I seen him.  His health was very bad.  In my mind I thought, "Good, he's getting what he deserves."  Which now I see as a not so good thought, that I should have been more compassionate for him.  Anyway, I went up to him asked him why he did it to me.  He denied that he did it at first, then he admitted to the crime.  He said that his family was on vacation, which I knew, that he was lonely, that he had a drinking problem at that time, and that he was mixed up.  I took the opportunity and told him how it had messed me up mentally and emotionally.  I said many more things, but I don't want to share it.  It felt so good telling him how I felt.  I was finally able to let it go and to forgive him.  I know that he will have to answer to God for this act someday.

All my life I have always kept my feelings inside me.  It was drilled into me at a very young age that I was to be seen and not heard, and if I did say anything I would be smacked for it. Because of this it hurt a lot of relationships that I have had, especially my husband.   But through years of therapy, I have learned that I do have a voice, that is good to express what I feel, and that it's important for my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health. I have learned to express what I feel to others, and I'm not afraid or ashamed of it. I hope and pray for those that have  a hard time expressing their feelings, that they may learn how to express it, so that they can feel the freedom that comes from doing so.

Well, I need to get up and do something in the house, I've been in bed most of my day, watching movies, and I want to feel like I have accomplished something regardless of how big or small.

I hope and pray that God will bless each of you with the things you stand in need of, and that you will find peace and contentment in your hearts, especially if you haven't ever experienced it.  It has only been a couple of years since I got to experience, and it feels wonderful and it makes a difference in my life.